Confession of a Stay At Home Mom.....

Warning - this post may make me unpopular, but it is my truth, so I stand by what I say.  I am in no way implying that all moms should feed their babies formula nor am I saying that breast feeding is not the ideal choice.  I am in no position to judge what any other mom does, and I won't because I think it is destructive.  To each his own.  As the saying goes....be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

I have a confession......I'm a formula feeding mommy, and I'm not ashamed of it even though society would like me to be.

I didn't plan on feeding Drew formula, it was never in my plans.  After talking to the doctors, they said breast was best, so that's exactly what I was going to do.  I wanted what was best for Drew, and I still do today.

The first week seemed to be going okay, and when we took Drew in for his one week appointment, I had no doubts that he was gaining weight like he should be.  The nurse walked us over to the scale, and I truthfully didn't give it a second thought.  She placed Drew down, and to my horror, he was still below his birth weight a week later.  As a first time mother, my heart sank as I felt like such a failure.  I had one job as Drew's mom and I was already failing.  How could that be?  The nurse walked us back to the doctor's room and I was doing everything in my power to not break down and cry.  The doctor came in and he was worried.  I think his panic compounded my own worry and sadness.  He said we needed to supplement with formula right away, and there were also things I could do in the mean time to increase my milk production.  He asked if I had any formula at home, and I told him no because we hadn't planned on using formula.  He gave me a small supply and sent me home.  I left the doctor's office that day feeling completely deflated.

I went home and wanted to feed Drew as quickly as possible.  But I soon realized that you needed bottles to use formula.  I didn't have any because this was never in the plan.  I searched the house and found one bottle that was part of a baby shower game and quickly made Drew his first bottle of formula.  He drank it with the voracity of a starving animal and quickly fell into the deepest sleep of his short little life.  I remember as soon as he fell asleep, I found myself sitting in our master bathtub crying my eyes out.  How could I already be failing as a mother only one week in?  Drew was starving and watching him eat that first bottle made my heart break.  He was hungry and I wasn't providing for him.  As I sat there, I couldn't help but wonder why something that was supposed to be so natural and easy wasn't working for me.  It truly was one of the hardest days of my life.  I knew that the doctor said there were things I could do, but truthfully my mind was only on getting Drew healthy and gaining weight.  He was my number one priority.

I continued to supplement with formula for the first few days, but I could tell that my production was going way down.  After about three days, I completely dried up and we had to switch to exclusively formula.  I was disappointed, but the health and well-being of my son was way more important to me than trying to avoid the stigma of being a formula feeding mom.  But I can say, after feeling like such a failure to Drew, the last thing I needed was for others to judge or question what was going on.  It was hard enough already.  It wasn't easy then, and it still isn't as I constantly get judged and questioned by so many people, family included.  I can't tell you how many times I've been asked if I'm breast feeding and when I reply with no, I get a disgusted look in return as if they wish to say "how could you, don't you know that breast is best?"  As if I would purposefully choose to give my son less than the best.  I've tried to look past all the judgement and be strong in my decision and belief that I will always do what I feel is best for Drew, even if many don't agree.

So while being a formula feeder was not my first choice, it is the reality that I was dealt and I'm not ashamed of it.  It's such a dividing topic among moms and I just don't understand why.  Every mom wants what is best for her child, and the way she goes about it should be no one's business but her own.  I mean, I'm a pretty private person, and I don't understand why my boobs should be under discussion or debate by anyone besides me.  It's a private matter.  And I think we all know that being a mom is tough enough as it is, so why make it even more difficult by judging and ridiculing those who do things differently.  Being supportive, no matter the circumstances, is such a better choice, and it would be a whole lot better if more moms chose to be supportive rather than judgmental.

I've watched friends struggle with milk production, and they have been so afraid to supplement with formula (or heaven forbid solely use formula) because of the stigma attached.  I've seen babies drop to unhealthy weights, and their moms be more concerned with their own ability to say they are not a formula feeder than with the health of their baby, an avoid formula at all costs mentality.  It's just so obvious to me that the health of our babies is the most important thing, and if they aren't gaining weight like they should be, formula is an option.  Sometimes a woman simply can't produce enough milk to sustain a growing baby.  It happens to the best of us.  I'm pretty sure no baby has ever died from being fed formula rather than breast milk, and in fact, it even has some benefits as my doctor described to me.  I have the happiest, healthiest baby I have ever met so you'd be pretty hard pressed to convince me that the formula we feed him is inhibiting him in any way.

So yes, I'm a formula feeder, and I'm not ashamed.  I hope there comes a time when there isn't such a stigma attached to it, and a time when mothers can be supportive of one another and not try to tear each other down.  We all have different situations and different struggles.  What's easy for one mom may be downright impossible for another.  We all want our babies to be happy and healthy, and we all need to do what's best for our personal situation and for our families.  So let's be supportive of one another and trust that we are all doing our very best.